Enigmatic (off the record)

May the fall of the gelid night air give rise to the ardent daylight.

What am I supposed to say? Was I dragged along and tossed to the side of the road for the packs of wolves to pick upon. My heart is heavy and my mind is tired. I've spent all my time waiting, waiting for something to break the distraction that has become so cumbersome. There is always some reason to feel not good enough and its hard on the mind. Weightless, my body is weightless; the air swiftly blows carrying me afar. It is as if I was slowly drifting away from a silent reverie, pushed along the avenue that is surrounded by guilt on one side and bliss on the other. I do have a sense to recognize that I do know how to wake up from whatever this may be. I can't separate my self from my dreams anymore. I could very well still be on that couch sleeping as if everything was alright.

I have become nothing but a burden to others having only trouble to offer. I wish some details would change. I have nothing to say in my defense anymore, I have been stripped of that right and given nothing to bare. Mistakes don't have the right to say anything nor do they have the right to choose. The circumstances seem tired and overdone but nevertheless the words still carry meaning and still in many ways will give rise to a dilemma. Dragged around in circles tied up and helpless not knowing when the noose will let up or get tighter. Things need to change somehow. I am tired of many things, tired and angry. My chest still hurts and each time I have an attack I would rather be by myself than me troubling anybody.

I don't know if she knows but it is best she doesn't. I feel so comfortable around her but so completely pulled apart. Bad or good I don't know what to make of it. Maybe it's my rash thinking lately that is driving me to these emotions but I still don't know what to make of them. I should be above these childish notions. Star crossed or just two different worlds, it doesn't give way to anything more than chatter and kindness. But that is however a good thing. I would not want anything more from someone who has been nothing but wonderful to me. I want to do more always, to bring new light to dark areas, to help in every way as much as I possibly can. But I also it want to be more than that. I know it is entirely stupid for me to think anything more than it already is, I shouldn't be thinking of it any other way. I don't know, my feelings are in way to many places for me to understand why right now. Too soon and too late; she has her own agenda and outlook and my respect for her is too great for me to act upon unsure emotions and speak to her on uncertain lines. If she knows it or not I can't say, but I wont complicate her life to solve something in mine.

I am too much of a weight to bare, no one should have to carry me on their backs or be taken upon their lives. I am too much of a burden, I just need to sink for a while.